


Red Dye

by flyingfricks



Category: Free!
Genre: Gen, Kink Meme, Self Harm, angsty with a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-21
Updated: 2014-01-21
Packaged: 2018-01-09 11:42:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1145547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flyingfricks/pseuds/flyingfricks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fill for a prompt on the kink meme. Nagisa is dealing with depression and self harm issues. Too scared to ask for help, he spends his time avoiding his friends and ditching practice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Red Dye

_Calm down Nagisa._

He stumbled into his room, thankful that his house appeared to be empty.

_Almost there. Just breathe._

He could feel his hands start to shake with nervous excitement. The promise of relief just a few feet away.

_Just a little further._

He frantically leafed through his drawers, searching for a small box hidden amongst the clothes. Kind of an obvious place if anyone came snooping, but he didn’t much care at this point. He just needed it easily accessible and ready for him if he needs it.

Well it’s more when than if at this point.

He popped the lid off of the box, almost crying for joy when he saw the tiny razor blade that he had taken from a pencil sharpener a few weeks ago. Just feeling the tiny weight in his hand as he picked it up make him let out a heady sigh of relief. It felt like no more than a feather, but it calmed his frayed nerves all the same.

He almost felt scared when he realized that he was about to take this razor to his skin without taking the time to disinfect anything, but it was a fleeting thought, easily overpowered by excitement as he pulled off his clothes and the damp swimming shorts underneath.

 _I’m running out of room,_ he thought with dismay as he looked at his mutilated thighs. His swimsuit was already threatening to ride up and expose the myriad of cuts and scars that littered his pale flesh, but he figured that a few just a bit lower wouldn’t hurt anyone. If worse came to worse he could always start wearing the long ones like Makoto wears.

He ended his inner ramblings and placed the blade to his skin, letting out a high pitched whine as he dragged it hard and slow across his skin. He watched the blood bloom across his pale skin before his eyes screwed shut at the sharp but oh so familiar pain that came with the entrancing streams of red running down his legs.

He lost himself in it. One cut became two which then grew to 10 which then grew to 20 brand new, heavily bleeding cuts marring his once blemish free flesh. He sighed in relief as his jitters subsided, as the need to just _hurt_ faded away and the harsh, painful tang of guilt and sorrow rushed through his veins to replace the blood currently pooling against his hardwood floor.

He knew he needed to stop the bleeding.

He knew he needed to disinfect his wounds before even the threat of infection set in.

He knew he needed to clean up the mess before he had hard to explain bloodstains littering his floor.

He _knew_ he needed to do all of those things, but he could only sink to the floor, his razor falling out of his limp hand as he curled into a little ball.

And sobbed…

And sobbed…

And _sobbed…_

* * *

 

“Nagisa-kun! Oi Nagisa-kun!”

Nagisa turned his face away from his friend for a minute schooling his face into the same bubbly expression that the blue haired male was used to seeing. “What is it Rei-chan?”

“You just usually pounce on me when I get on the train. I was wondering if something was wrong.”

A somewhat nervous laugh bubbled up out of the blonde’s throat. “Sorry Rei-chan. I was just brooding about that math test we have today and didn’t realize you had gotten on.” His smile turned a bit mischievous. “Why? Did you want me to jump you or something?”

“Don’t be stupid,” Rei grumbled. “And anyway why are you nervous about a test? You’ve never seemed to care before.”

Nagisa’s eyes narrowed in annoyance. Why couldn’t Rei just let it go and leave him alone? It wasn’t like it was any of his business anyway. However, he didn’t let his smile falter, even though the pain of keeping up appearances was eating him alive.

_Ne, I haven’t even gotten to school yet and I already need a cut. That’s pretty pathetic._

Nagisa managed to get out of class early to change into his swimsuit before practice. Though Rei’s stares had followed him the entire time. Panic made him stumble on his way to the bathroom when he considered the possibility of his friends discovering his secret. He could see their sneering glares and the way their lips would curl up in disgust as they laughed at his cuts. His scars. _His pain_. A few weeks ago he would have never even considered the possibility of the ever caring Mako or stoic Haru looking at him with contempt, but that was before he realized to what a pathetic leech he was. Always clinging to and bothering his friends. His shrill voice grating to even his own ears. They must be staying with him out of pity.

He crashed into the boy’s bathroom reaching into his bag to pull out a pen. It was a ballpoint so it wasn’t very sharp, but it got the job done as he pushed it in hard and dragged it across the skin of his forearm. It was more painful than the quick kiss of a razor and the damage wasn’t as visible, but it left a comforting red line on his pale flesh and the burn continued as he went into a stall to put on a his swim suit.

Normally he would change with the rest of the guys (excluding Haruka) and just position himself in such a way near the corner of the room so that his cuts were nearly impossible to see unless you were looking for them, but with Rei breathing down his neck, he didn’t want to risk it. Besides he had to make sure that his swimsuit covered up his destruction from last night.

He stripped off his pants and boxers, gazing at his legs with a mixture of guilt, disgust, and fascination. He really did some damage last night. Some of the wounds had opened just a bit and had littered the inside of his pants with little pinpricks of red. The entire area felt raw as he slipped on the spandex, wincing as it clung to his legs in the most painful way. With a quick check to make sure that everything was hidden, he walked out of his stall only to bump right into the person he was trying to avoid the most. “Rei-chan!”

“Why did you leave class early Nagisa-kun?”

“Ah well you see… I just…” His heart raced as he tried to dig through his frazzled mind for a believable excuse.

Panic.

“The lunch today didn’t agree with me is all… I..I-I wasn’t feeling good?”

Despair.

He inwardly cursed as his voice had the inflection of a question at the end, making Rei raise his eyebrows in a suspicious manner.

The blue haired male crossed his arms. “Is that so?”

Using what little will he had left, Nagisa pushed most of the panic to the back of his mind and gave his usual winning smile to his friend. “Yep! Is Rei-chan worried about me?” He stumbled back against the wall dramatically. “Do you want to carry me to the nurse’s office?”

Rei wasn’t deterred in the least bit by the blonde’s act. “You know you could’ve just told me you put your swimsuit on in here. I heard you jostling around.”

The panic that he had managed to suppress came back with a vengeance with those words. He felt his heart sink low into his stomach and nausea turn his insides into a painful ball of mush.

_No.No.No.No.No.NO.NO.NO!_

He braced himself for the words that he had been telling himself for the past few weeks.

_Weak._

_Pathetic._

_Worthless_

But Rei just shook his head and tossled the blonde’s soft hair. “Idiot. If you’re embarrassed to change in front of us then you could’ve just said something.”

Nagisa smiled weakly up at that taller man. “Sorry. I just didn’t want to bother you.”

“Besides,” Rei continued as the final bell rang and the two made their way towards the pool, “we’re all guys anyway so it’s not like there’s a reason to be embarrassed.”

 _Please,_ Nagisa thought as he kept his fake smile firmly plastered on his face, _we both know with my girly frame and lack of muscles I could’ve walked into the girl’s bathroom and no one would’ve questioned it._

* * *

 

They arrived at the pool a little bit later than the rest, but Gou was too busy yelling at Haru for jumping in the pool before giving him the training regimen of the day to notice. Makoto sat by the pool, his long legs kicking leisurely in the water. He looked towards Nagisa and Rei with the same brilliant smile he gave them every day, his eyes screwing up as he gave a light chuckle.

_He’s laughing at me. Rei told him everything and now he’s laughing. He thinks I’m weak. Thinks I’m pathetic. He’s gonna pull down my swim suit so that Haru and Gou can laugh too I just know it. I need to leave. Oh god he’s coming this way. I need to get out of here._

Nagisa’s internal panic increased tenfold as Makoto clapped a hand down on his shoulder and looked toward where Gou was still yelling at Haruka to listen to her for once. Makoto laughed again, causing the blonde’s blood to run as cold as ice through his veins.

_Calm down Nagisa. You are overreacting.This is Mako-chan. He’s probably just laughing at Gou or something._

But the flighty panic didn’t leave.  He needed to go home. He needed to get away from all of these people.

He needed to cut.

“Ne Nagisa, Do you think I should tell Gou that it’s a lost cause?” Makoto said, nudging his shoulder.

_See Nagisa, Makoto was laughing at them not you. Just breathe._

But the need to cut was still an almost tangible thing in his mind. He knew how to deal with the pressure that was filling his body, making him feel like he might burst, but that would just prove to himself all the things his mind told him.

_Pathetic._

_Worthless._

He couldn’t even deal with his problems like everyone else. Everyone on this earth probably had it worse than him, and yet he blew his own out of proportion. He had to cut to get through problems that everyone else wouldn’t even worry about.

“Mako-chan… I hate to skip out on practice, but I really need to go home,” Nagisa said, head hung low.

The older male’s face turned from amused to concerned. “Of course Nagisa, but why?”

“I…just not feeling too hot. Today’s lunch didn’t agree with me.” The blonde put on his best smile. “I’ll practice extra hard tomorrow. Thanks Mako-chan!” He ran off, feeling more and more relieved with every step he took.

“I wonder what’s wrong with Nagisa?” Makoto mused to himself.

“Don’t know,” Rei replied. “He’s been looking under the weather all day though. Maybe he is really sick.”

There was a splash of water as Haruka pulled himself out of the pool in one smooth movement. “Nagisa isn’t swimming today?” he said with a slightly darker tone, as though he took personal offense.

“He said he wasn’t feeling well.”

Haruka thought on that for a minute. “He hasn’t really looked the same for the past few weeks. Maybe something is bothering him.”

“Eh? I haven’t noticed,” Makoto said. But in all honesty, he had noticed just a bit. It was in the way his face would fall when he didn’t think anyone was looking or in the way he would sigh low under his breath. He hadn’t thought much of it because Nagisa was always so bubbly and energetic, but maybe Haru was right.

“You should go talk to him after practice,” Haruka said.

“Why don’t you do it?” Makoto replied.

Haruka turned around to jump back into the pool. “That’s too much work.”

Makoto sighed before turning to join his childhood friend in the pool. “Fair enough,” he said exasperated, but he decided to visit Nagisa regardless.

“I’m home!” Nagisa yelled looking around his small abode. “Is anyone else here?” He went from room to room searching for signs of his family before he stopped in the kitchen, eyeing the note hanging on the fridge.

“Your father and I went out to have dinner with your aunt. I left last night’s leftovers in the fridge. Just throw it in the microwave and we’ll be back before long.  –Love Mom.”

“Thank goodness,” Nagisa mumbled aloud before running to the bathroom and grabbing several towels and the rubbing alcohol. He took the supplies to his room and sat down on his bed, grabbing a marker off of his bedside table. He peeled the shorts of his swimsuit up both of his legs a bit and marked a line on his thighs with the marker.

 _Can’t go past this line,_ he thought, _otherwise everyone will be able to see._

He jumped up and ran over to his dresser, digging through his clothes to find his box. Hurriedly, he stripped off his shorts and spread out one of the towels on the floor. He grabbed the rubbing alcohol and soaked part of a towel with it before wiping off his blade and his legs to prevent infection. Just this action alone took the edge off his panic. It had become something of a comforting ritual over the past few weeks and it brought the promise of relief with it.

He felt less jumpy now as he gripped his razor and dragged it quick as a whip across his skin, sighing as the biting sting made endorphins rush into his bloodstream. It felt more like the blade was slicing through all his tension and stress than his skin and he brought the sharp tip to his skin over and over again, sometimes slow and hard to feel the pain rush through his body and make his fingers and toes tingle and sometimes quick and light to help quell the giddy urge to just _move._ He could almost see the emptiness and sorrow leave his body with each labored breath and he giggled at the ridiculous thought. After being strung up so tight for the majority of the day, the relief was staggering and he slumped down onto the floor, watching his blood pool on the towel before placing another cut on his blood smeared skin. He felt calm. He felt relieved.

He felt _alive._

A low whine left his throat when he realized that he had run out of room above the lines he had previously drawn. He didn’t want to stop, but he sure didn’t want his friends seeing the marks and asking questions. He placed the blade on his calf and cut a small line at an odd angle. Deciding it looked enough like a normal scratch that one might get when falling, he placed a few more shallow lines on various parts of his body. He admired his handiwork while leaning back against his bed watching the blood flow freely from his legs and making no move to stop it. He was just swimming in blood loss related bliss.

*KnockKnockKnock*

_Huh?_

*KnockKnockKnock*

His blood ran cold as he recognized the sound of someone knocking at his front door. He was frozen at his spot on the floor as the knocking continued. What really made his heart rate skyrocket though was a concerned sounding voice, muffled by the door between them.

“Nagisa? Have you arrived home yet? It’s me, Makoto!”

Not really one to swear, Nagisa had no problem letting the volley of profane language leave his lips as he stood up and paced around his room. He really did not want to open that door, but not opening it would only bring about questions that he didn’t have the energy of finding excuses to. Feeling like a cornered animal, the blonde quickly picked up two of the spare towels off of his bed and wrapped them around his waist to make sure no blood seeped through. He ran out of his room and closed the door to make sure Makoto couldn’t see the bloodbath that lied within. Plastering a smile on his face, he threw open his front door and stared Makoto right in the face.

“Ah sorry about the wait Mako-chan, I was about to get in the shower and I had a problem finding a towel. What can I do ya for?”

“Ah I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay. I wanted to see if you needed me to run to the store for nausea medication or anything like that.”

“Thanks Mako-chan, but we had some handy at the house and I’ve taken it and feel much better. I appreciate the concern though.”

“Are you sure though? Haru-chan said you’ve been looking a little blue for the past few weeks. If there’s anything you want to talk about, you know me and the other guys are here for you right?” The concerned look in Makoto’s eyes made Nagisa want to vomit with guilt.

“There’s nothing wrong Mako-chan. I’m just a little concerned with my grades, but nothing Rei-chan can’t help me with if they start falling too bad,” Nagisa paused for a bit before continuing. “Listen, I would love more than anything to stay and chat with you, but I really need to shower. As soon as my parents get back we’re going out to eat with my aunt so I need to get ready. I’m sorry.”

“Ah don’t worry about it,” Makoto replied with a smile. “I’ll see you tomorrow yeah? I’m glad you’re feeling better.”

“Thanks again, Mako-chan,” Nagisa said before slamming the door in Makoto’s face.

The brunette walked away feeling as though what Nagisa said wasn’t quite truthful. He had looked happy enough, but his smile looked a bit less genuine than usual and his eyes had held the look of a caged animal. He didn’t like the fact that his friend might be keeping secrets from him, but it really wasn’t in his place to pry. Deciding that he’d talk with Haruka about it tomorrow, he started to make his way home.

He really wouldn’t be so concerned about it and would’ve passed his friend’s mood off as bad grades or something, but…

He was almost positive that he smelled the sharp bite of rubbing alcohol and the tang of iron emanating from his blonde companion.

Just what was Nagisa hiding?

* * *

Nagisa realized he had made a mistake almost as soon as he stepped into his school building.

He had forgotten his swimsuit.

Normally this wouldn’t be a problem and he would just tell the guys what’s up and go home, but with what happened with Makoto yesterday, he knew it would just raise more questions. He grabbed his hair and pulled as hard as he could, hoping the pain could help clear his frantic mind for a minute. “Dammnit,” he cursed low under his breath.

“Nagisa-kun? What’s wrong?” a concerned voice spoke behind him. Rei stepped his front of his friend in the middle of the crowded hallway and leveled him with a steady gaze, demanding answers.

“Ah, Rei-chan it’s just awful! I left my house this morning without grabbing my swimsuit! And after I promised Mako-chan that I would practice extra hard today! I’m an awful swim club member!” Nagisa whined, clutching to his friend. He prayed that his bubbly act had no holes and that his friends’ worry for him would gradually fade over time.

Nagisa almost leapt for joy when Rei pushed his glasses further up his face and shook his head before fixing the blonde with a small smile. “Honestly,” he muttered. “I’ll let you borrow one of my suits so quit clinging to me.”

“Yay! Thank you so much Rei-chan! I’ll love you forever!” Nagisa screeched before skipping off to class, feeling a little bit calmer now that Rei didn’t seem so suspicious.

Classes went much more smoothly than the previous day and Nagisa found it much easier to be his usual chipper self. The knot of uncomfortable emptiness that had set up home in the pit of his stomach was still there, but he felt much less flighty since that incident with Rei that morning. He couldn’t stand the thought of his friends worrying about him or prying him for information so Rei’s dismissal drastically increased his mood. He was almost excited to actually get in the water today and he skipped the entire way to the pool, Rei trailing at his heels.

“Ah Nagisa!” Makoto greeted. “You seem to be feeling much better today. I’m glad”

“Me too! I hope you guys don’t get whatever I had yesterday.” the blonde flitted his gaze around the pool. “Huh? Where’s Haru-chan?”

“Oh he’s in the locker room right now. Rei came by during break and told me about how you forgot your swimsuit and he couldn’t remember where he had put his spare so I sent Haru to look for it.” Makoto paused, eyes sparkling as Haruka made his way to the pool area, holding a small yellow speedo.

“That was too much work,” Haruka grumbled as he tossed the speedo to Nagisa. “Next time you’re doing it.”

Makoto just laughed softly. “Hopefully there won’t be a next time.” He sent a pointed look towards Nagisa.

Nagisa felt his heart sink as he looked at the offending garment. Sure he wore speedos all the time, but that was before, and now just the thought of putting it on made nausea bloom in his stomach and all the blood in his veins turn to ice water.

_What do I do?_

He continued to just stare, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. He looked up to see his teammates staring at him with various degrees of concern. Even ever stoic Haruka had a small worried frown furrowing his brow. His normal flightiness evolved into full blown terror and panic at everyone’s gaze fixed on him.

_What do I say?_

“Nagisa? What’s wrong?”

Nagisa jumped at the sound of Makoto calling out his name. He began to tremble as he stood there unable to speak. Unable to _breathe._

Rei’s hand on his shoulder is what finally pulled him out of his daze. He smiled as bright as his mood would allow and laughed, brushing Rei’s hand away. “Ah I’m sorry, I spaced out for a bit!” he said, his voice much higher than usual. “Actually I just remembered that I need to go home today. I have a dinner with my aunt! I’ll see you guys tomorrow!” He yelled as he once again scampered away from his practice and his friends.

“Nagisa wait!” Makoto yelled. But his cries fell on deaf ears as Nagisa continued to run further away.

“What is up with him? Rei asked.

Haruka picked up the discarded speedo before walking over to join his friends. “Makoto,” he barked out. “You saw him last night.”

“Yeah,” Makoto replied, still staring in the direction his friend had ran.

“Well, was there anything wrong with him?”

“Uh, he was acting a bit strange. He greeted the door in a towel, but he just assured me he was fine before shutting the door in my face, something about having a dinner with his aunt to go to.”

“Wait, wasn’t that the excuse he just gave us,” Rei interjected.

Makoto blinked slowly, his brain struggling to put the pieces together. “Yeah.”

“Why was he wearing a towel?” Haruka asked, his fingers tightening on the speedo.

“Uh he said that he was hopping on the shower, but he didn’t really smell like he needed a shower. Not that I expected him to stink or anything,” he added quickly, “but he smelled sterile, like rubbing alcohol or something.”

“Rubbing alcohol,” Haruka repeated under his breath. “Like used to clean out cuts and wounds?”

“Cuts? Haru you can’t honestly think-“

“It makes sense Makoto!” Haruka yelled, louder than Makoto or Rei had ever heard him though not quite as loud as a normal person. “Think about it, he’s been different for weeks. More subdued. He hasn’t worn anything shorter than jammers and he started panicking once he realized that he would be forced to wear a speedo today. And he’s been lying. Don’t you think that is a little bit suspicious?”

“But Nagisa just can’t be a….a cutter,” Makoto said, visibly paling. “I-I mean he’s the happiest guy I know. I’ve never seen him upset.”  Makoto’s head dropped. “He just can’t be,” he whispered.

“I’m not saying that he is, just that he could be.” Haruka replied softly, placing his hand on Makoto’s shoulder. “It won’t hurt to find out.”

“What should we do then? I mean we can’t very well just ask him. Rei said, pushing up his glasses.

Makoto ran his fingers through his hair and sighed deeply. “I don’t know. Why don’t we just…corner him in the locker room tomorrow or something? If they are there, they’d be on his legs right? We’ll just catch him changing.”

“But what if he changes somewhere else? He changed in the bathroom a few days ago.”

“Follow him into the bathroom,” Haruka said to Rei. “Make sure that doesn’t happen.”

“That’s like an invasion of privacy or something!”

“If we give Nagisa privacy, this’ll just get worse and worse. Grow a pair Rei, and help your friend.”

“Understood,” Rei replied meekly. 

* * *

 

 

 

Makoto was awoken early the next morning from a bizarre text. The message itself was perfectly ordinary, but the sender was unexpected.

**From: Rin**

**Subject: (No Subject)**

**Received: 6/26/13 6:13 AM**

I ran into Nagisa yesterday. Something’s off.

 

Makoto tried to work past the novelty of Rin actually sending him a text to reply.

 

**To: Rin**

**Subject: Re: (No Subject)**

**Sent 6/26/13 6:15 AM**

Yeah we’ve been noticing that too. What was he doing?

 

**From: Rin**

**Subject: Re:Re: (No Subject) (1/2)**

**Received: 6/26/13 6:16 AM**

He was at the convenience store buying matches and disinfectant. He wasn’t acting like his usual annoyingly cheerful self. He looked like I had just pointed a

 

**From: Rin**

**Subject: Re:Re: (No Subject) (2/2)**

**Received: 6/26/13 6:16 AM**

gun at his head when he realized I was there. Just wondering what was going on. 

 

**To: Rin**

**Subject: Re:Re:Re: (No Subject)**

**Sent: 6/26/13 6:18**

Ah that is strange. Don’t worry Rin we’ll figure it out. Thanks though!

 

**From: Rin**

**Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re: (No Subject)**

**Received: 6/26/13 6:19**

I wasn’t worrying in the first place idiot!

 

**To: Rin**

**Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: (No Subject)**

**Sent: 6/26/13 6:20**

Well I appreciate it nonetheless

 

Makoto wasn’t surprised when Rin didn’t respond.  Rin rarely ever answered his messages, which is why the ordeal had set the teen’s teeth on edge. If Nagisa had spooked Rin enough to make him text Makoto then something must really be wrong. He put his phone down after sending a quick text to Haruka about Rin’s messages. While waiting for a reply that was likely to never come, Makoto got ready for school, determined to find what was eating at his childhood friend.

* * *

 

Nagisa could feel a pit of unease open up low in his stomach almost immediately after he awoke the next day. He knew, without a doubt that his team members would be suspicious after that horrendous move he pulled at practice yesterday. Logically, he knew there wasn’t many other ways he could’ve handled that situation, especially with fear clouding his judgment and making it hard to come up with a valid reason, but he still felt as though he should’ve been better or stronger or _something_. Good enough to keep his friend’s from needlessly worrying about him or being angry with him for skipping out on so many practices as of late.

_Calm down Nagisa, it’s only been two. Makoto is a very understanding captain._

His thoughts didn’t ease the nausea however and he contemplated just calling in sick and lying in bed all day, but he knew that would only worsen his teammates’ poor view of him. He exhaled a deep, long sigh to calm himself, trying his hardest to ignore the high pitched whine that was attached to the end. He got up, made sure to pack his swimsuit before he forgot, and proceeded to get ready.

School that day was mildly uneventful. However he could feel Rei’s eyes watching him like a hawk when the other thought he wasn’t looking. By lunch he was well past annoyed and decided to pass on eating lunch with his teammates on the roof like usual.

“Huh? Where’s Nagisa?” Makoto asked Rei as soon as he stepped onto the roof.

Puzzled, Rei glanced behind him and discovered that Nagisa was indeed not behind him like he thought. “He was right here a second ago! I know he was!”

Haru stood up with a sigh before heading toward the door. “We might as well find him. Come on he has to be around here somewhere.”

Both Rei and Makoto nodded in agreement and the trio ran down the stairs to search for their friend.

The teen in question was currently sitting by the pool, his lunch laying forgotten beside him as he stared into the clear water. He brought one knee up and rested his chin upon it. Nagisa let out a content sigh as he watched the fallen leaves swirl lazily around the pool. The sight left him feel calmer than he’d felt in a while. He imagined how the water would feel if he dived in and joined the leaves, how it would leave him weightless but completely supported. He could almost feel the cool water lapping against his face when he closed his eyes, the scent of chlorine flooding his nostrils. The teen then imagined how the chemically enhanced water would feel as it lapped against the mangled skin of his thighs. How the inescapable burn would start in his skin before sinking through the flesh and racing up his spine. How it would clear his head and allow him to just _think_ even it was only for a short time. But then he thought of how his body would betray him and flinch at the first sharp sting. How his overprotective teammates would notice and ask question after question after _question_ until they had cracked open Nagisa’s head and left him bleeding and helpless on the side of the pool. He could see Rei turning his back on him mumbling some bullshit about how Nagisa was no longer beautiful. He could see the angry, holier-than-thou glint in Haruka’s eyes as he scoffed at Nagisa’s pain. And Makoto, Makoto would be so disappointed in him. So disappointed that Nagisa had to turn to pain to keep his head clear and calm.

_Whoa Nagisa. Calm down._

_Breathe._

He gasped a shuddering breath as he pulled himself from his musings. He slowly lifted his hand to find it shaking uncontrollably.

“Nagisa!”

Panicked, the blond quickly clenched his hand into a fist to hide his nerves and turned around to find Makoto jogging toward him with Haruka and Rei not far behind. “Nagisa....we’ve been….looking….for you…everywhere,” Makoto panted, doubling over and clutching at his side as he panted.

Rei calmly stood beside Makoto not looking winded in the least. “Why didn’t you come eat lunch with us?”

“Ah I’m sorry I didn’t tell you! I just wanted to be near the pool. I guess I’ve kind of missed it since I have been to practice lately. But don’t worry I’ll be there today for sure!”

“It’s only been two days Nagisa,” Makoto replied. “There’s no way you miss the pool after just two days of not being in the water.”

“I think it’s plausible,” Haruka interjected. “It happens to me all the time.”

Makoto looked toward his friend with a soft, yet exasperated smile. “Uh Haru, you’re not really helping.”

With a small huff, Haruka glared at Makoto before stripping off his clothes and revealing the swimsuit underneath. However, he didn’t jump in much to the surprise of his teammates. Instead he sat on the lip of the pool next to where Nagisa was curled up and slid his legs into the water.

Nagisa turned to look at his friend with wide eyes, but Haruka remained silent. Following his friend’s example, Makoto sat down on the other side of Nagisa and Rei quickly followed suit. The group found themselves slipping into a comfortable silence, one that left Nagisa feeling more at ease than he had in a while. He had almost forgotten what it was like to just have the pleasant company of friends by his side without having to worry about keeping up a cheerful babble. He had spent so long allowing his words to flow freely and keep anything he actually felt hidden.

They didn’t move for a long time, each staring into the reflection of the pool. The only noises were the faint sounds of chatter coming from the school and the quiet swishing of Haruka lazily kicking his legs through the water. Nagisa didn’t even have the presence of mind to be startled when the bell rang, signaling his need to return to class. He just slowly stood up and stretched his stiff muscles. “We should eat out here more often,” he said as he turned to grab his bag. “It was nice to have some peace and quiet.”

“Ah he’s right,” Makoto said as he pulled Haruka up off the poolside. “Though we probably left poor Gou-chan alone on the roof.”

“Gou-chan can take care of herself,” Nagisa answered. “I’m going off to class. See you two at practice!” The blond started to walk away before turning around and calling out to Rei “Are you coming or not?” he asked cheerfully. “If Rei-chan makes me late, I’ll have him carry me to practice every day for the rest of the year!”

“As if I would ever agree to that. If you’re so worried about being late then let’s have a race back to class.”

“Ah no fair! Rei-chan used to be on the track team so that’s cheating!”

“You’re an athlete as much as I am!”

Makoto chuckled at the first years’ voices faded into the distance. “Ah they seem almost back to their old selves.”

“I doubt he really is though,” Haruka replied. “Come on, we have a class to get to as well.”

“Yeah I guess you’re right.”

* * *

 

The sound of 20 text books shutting filled his ears as the last class of the day was let out. Nagisa grabbed Rei before heading toward the pool for practice.  The duo made their way through the throng of teenagers anxious to get home. When they arrived at the pool, Nagisa was a bit surprised to see Haruka and Makoto already there, talking about something in hushed tones. Usually the first years arrived at the the pool before Haru and Makoto because they had a somewhat shorter distance to walk.

“Ah Rei!” Makoto called. “I need to talk to you for a moment about your training regimen.”

Rei looked toward his companion before telling Nagisa to go ahead and get changed. “I’ll be there in just a minute,” he assured.

“Actually this will take a while Rei,” Makoto said. “There are a lot of adjustments that need to be made to insure that you will be ready for the tournament.”

“Don’t worry, Rei-chan! I’m sure I can get dressed by myself.” Nagisa said, careful to not let the relief show in his voice. Changing with his teammates was always a stressful endeavor. He turned towards the locker room and went on his way.

“That should make him feel comfortable enough.” Makoto said quietly. “Though I do feel bad for lying to him.”

“He would’ve been too careful had we went in there with him,” Haruka replied. “Come on let’s go.”

Makoto and Rei nodded their heads solemnly before following the raven towards the locker rooms.

Though he did feel a bit better knowing that it was unlikely that his teammates would join him, Nagisa still wasted no time in getting changed. He quickly stripped off his school uniform and looked down at his thighs. A few of his wounds were beginning to look puffy with signs of potential infection, but he figured with a good cleaning they would be fine. Though he knew they wouldn’t feel too great once they met the chlorine filled pool. Shrugging to himself he put one foot through his jammers and began to pull them up, stilling immediately when a soft but audible gasp filled the room. Heart feeling like it was about to crawl out of his mouth, Nagisa looked up to find his teammates standing in the doorway, their gazes locked onto his mutilated thighs.

_No._

His eyes quickly flooded with embarrassed and angry tears. Angry that he had been so _stupid_ to think that his friends wouldn’t realize that something was up. Angry that he wasn’t more careful. Embarrassed that his friends had finally seen him in all of his worthless glory.

“N-nagisa?” Makoto asked, his voice tentative but pained. He unconsciously took a step forward, reaching out to Nagisa before pulling back at the look in his friend’s eyes.

Makoto couldn’t help but think that he looked like a tortured animal.

The teen quickly pulled up his swimsuit, hiding his cuts from his obviously shocked friends. He looked away and willed the tears in his eyes back. He didn’t want to look more pathetic than he currently did. He let out a low, pained chuckle, his eyes still firmly glued to the floor. “Well I don’t know about you guys,” he muttered, “but I’m going to go practice for the tournament so if you’ll excuse me.” He warily made his way toward the door where his friends were still standing. The teen paused just out of arms reach and began praying to whatever deity that might smile upon him for his friends to move away from the door and allow him to continue living his life.

When the shoes he was glaring at remained unmoving, he glanced up, ready to scream or cry or do _anything_ to make his friends just move and leave him alone to mentally rot like the failure he is.

However, when his gaze met his teammates’ all of the anger that he had been feeling at both his stupidity and their nosiness was washed away by a wave of immense guilt and pain.

Makoto’s hand was twitching like he wanted nothing more than to reach out to his friend. His usually caring green eyes were darkened with pain and Nagisa couldn’t help but remember the time when he told his father that he was an awful parent. Makoto’s eyes held the same look as a parent struck with the guilt of having failed their child.

Nagisa’s eyes flitted to Rei who was standing stock still, his spine rigidly straight. His eyes held a look of disbelief. Like he couldn’t believe that his carefree friend had ever had a bad day in his life, much less one horrible enough to drive Nagisa to cut.

When Nagisa was able to pull his gaze away from Rei and onto Haruka, what he saw there was like a bucket of ice water thrown smack into his face. His normally stoic blue eyes had darkened into a stormy mass of unforgiving blue. While Makoto’s eyes held nothing but inward guilt, Haruka’s eyes were filled with the rawest anger Nagisa had ever seen.  Nagisa wilted under his gaze and the tears that he had been so desperately trying to fight started pouring out with gut wrenching sobs following not far behind.

_I knew it. They do hate me._

Makoto began to panic and he reached toward Nagisa with the intention of pulling him to his chest and comforting and consoling until this entire mess blew away. Nagisa panicked and stumbled backward and unto his butt as he let out a blood curdling scream. Makoto quickly kneeled down and pulled Nagisa into the crook of his shoulder, petting and murmuring soothing words into his hair in an effort to get him to calm down.

_Look at how pathetic you are being. How could you friends care for someone who starts crying as soon as someone gives them a mean look? A mean look that you deserved nonetheless._

Nagisa gripped his head in an effort to make the thoughts just _stop._ “Go away,” he moaned into Makoto’s shoulder.

“What was that Nagisa? Come on talk to me.” Makoto’s petting was turning from mildly comforting to excruciatingly suffocating in Nagisa’s eyes and he started to squirm in an attempt to break free of his friend’s hold.

“Go away. Go away. Go away! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!” Nagisa howled as he kicked and screamed until Makoto let him go with a shocked look on his face.

“N-nagisa?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Nagisa replied, his voice breaking as a new wave of tears spilled out from his closed eyelids. “Just leave me alone Makoto. I don’t need help.” He paused as he buried his face into his knees. “I don’t deserve it,” he ground out with a pained whisper.

The sound of angry footsteps registered in Nagisa’s mind before he was roughly pulled up by his hair and a jarring slap was issued to his right cheek. He turned to yell at his assailant but froze when he saw piercing blue eyes shedding tears almost as quickly as his own.

“Haru…chan?”

 

Nagisa’s mouth hung open, mind blank with shock.

_I’ve never seen him cry before._

While the thought was just a quick flash of words across his confused brain, he knew them to be true. If Haruka hadn’t been right in his face, Nagisa would have probably never known he was crying. His eyes weren’t that puffy, there were no splotches on his skin, just two parallel tear marks running from his eyes.

_Heh. Even upset you’re still stoic as ever, eh Haru-chan?_

Nagisa’s limbs felt sluggish as he reached up to cup his stinging cheek. Haruka knelt down in front of the smaller teen, eyes downcast. “Sorry,” he mumbled before wiping his eyes off nonchalantly. He turned around to his surprised teammates and fixed Makoto with a level stare, “Leave,” he barked out.

This statement shocked Makoto into action and he took a half step forward. His eyes were determined as he stared right back at his friend. “Absolutely not Haru! Nagisa needs all of us. Rei and I are staying right here.” He crossed his arms over his broad chest with a glare unfit for his usually kind face.

Haruka just sighed in reply. “What a pain,” Nagisa heard him mutter under his breath as he reluctantly stood up.

Nagisa shivered as the two usually inseparable teens stared each other down, neither refusing to back up. Makoto was as close to livid as Nagisa had ever seen him and Haruka’s normally blank expression was dark.

_Look at what you’ve done Nagisa. Your selfishness has turned two best friends against each other. They wouldn’t be fighting if you hadn’t fucked up._

Nagisa could hear the sound of Makoto arguing with Haruka as though from a distance. He could hear the taller male scolding his friend for acting so rashly and hitting someone who was clearly distressed and needed help.

_Don’t listen to him. You don’t need help. You need to be punished. You made your friends worry. Haru had every right to hit you._

Nagisa gripped his hair right as Haruka was about to argue back. He pulled his hair tight, letting the pain clear his mind a bit. He stood up on shaky legs and dug his fingernails into the soft flesh of his inner arm, wincing slightly. But the pain had the desired effect and his frantic mental state slowed down enough to allow him to think, to allow him to just _breathe._ Steeling his resolve he muttered “Shut up.”

Three sets of curious eyes turned towards him as he spoke. “Nagisa-kun?” Rei inquired.

He took a deep breath and spoke a little louder, allowing anger to tint his voice. “I said shut up.” He fixed first Makoto and then Haruka with a cold stare. “I’m going home. I’ve had all I can take for one day.” He moved towards the door and almost punched whoever had the gall to grab onto his shoulder as he passed by. He turned around and glared as hard as he could at the assailant, Makoto. “You’re going to let me go,” he said coldly, “and then I am going to go home and when I come back to school tomorrow you three are going to leave me alone.”

The taller teen scoffed under his breath, sending Nagisa’s anger to the boiling point. “As if. We are going to talk this out. All four of us,” he added sending a meaningful glance in Haruka’s direction.

“I’m not your kid, Mako!” Nagisa screamed. You can’t just tell me what I am or what I’m not going to do! This entire situation is ridiculous. Congratulations! You know my secret. Well who actually gives a shit? It doesn’t hurt you and it actually helps me so there’s nothing to talk about. As fun as sticking around and listening to you verbally shove your self-righteous fist up my asshole sounds I’m going to have to pass. This whole intervention scenario is useless because it won’t change anything. Now get your fucking hand off of my shoulder before I rip it off and shove it down your throat Tachibana-kun,” he yelled with as much venom as he could muster.

The three teens were stunned into silence as Nagisa stormed out of the locker room, leaving all of his possessions behind. After a long moment with only the sound of the leaking shower head, Haruka finally murmered, “So what now?”

Makoto clenched and unclenched his fists repeatedly, trying to combat the anger he could feel welling up. He was just trying to help. Nagisa had no right to explode like that. As though sensing his inner turmoil, Haruka placed a comforting hand on his friend’s shoulder. “You know he didn’t mean that right. He’s just upset.”

“Haruka-senpai is right,” Rei said, gripping Makoto’s free shoulder tightly. “I’ve read up on all the theories  since Haruka-senpai figured out what Nagisa’s uh… problem might be. Anger is normal. We should give him some space.

Makoto stared up at the overhead lights, willing the frustrated tears back. “I just wanted to help,” he said in a small voice. The grip on his right shoulder grew almost painfully tight and he glanced down to see his friend staring off into the distance lost in thought.

“I want to help him too.”

* * *

 

Nagisa was thankful that his parents and siblings were gone when he arrived home in tears. Still he locked his bedroom door in case they decided to come home early before he ran toward his dresser drawer, searching frantically for the small box hidden amongst his clothes.

_Who are they to tell me what I can and can’t do?_

_Who are they to look down on me?_

_To look at me like I’m a favorite toy that needs fixing?_

Nagisa wiped his arm across his eyes, trying in vain to clear the tears impairing his vision as he continued searching.

_Well screw all of them._

_I don’t need their help._

_I’m fine._

_I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine._

_I AM JUST FUCKING FINE!_

He repeated those words like a mantra, willing himself to believe, if only for a little bit that he was indeed fine. That he really didn’t need help. That this addiction wasn’t taking over his life.

_Why are you kidding yourself? You’ve been a slave to your blade since cut 1._

_And now you’ve driven away the only people that probably could help you._

_Why are you such an awful friend Nagisa?_

_Why are you such a bad person Nagisa?_

**_Why don’t you just go ahead and kill yourself Nagisa?_ **

His relief at finding his razor helped to drown out the destructive thoughts marching through his mind. He stripped off his swimsuit as quickly as he could and brought his blade down hard against his thigh, marring the scared flesh with a deep cut. As the blood started pouring down his leg, he didn’t feel any of the usual relief. The thoughts didn’t stop beating against his skull, demanding to be acknowledged. Instead all that was left was emptiness and realization of how _stupid_ he had been lately. He quietly cleaned the blood off the floor and bandaged the still bleeding cut before collapsing on his bed and staring at the ceiling.

He barely noticed when his family came busting to the house as loud and boisterous as ever. His gaze remained clued to the hairline crack in the ceiling right above his bed. His eyes didn’t waver even when his mother rushed through his door.

“We brought back some food for you Nagisa-chan! Lots of sweets too.”

Nagisa merely grunted in reply, his gaze never leaving the ceiling. He heard the sharp sound of his mother’s heels on the floor and felt the bed dip with her weight as she sat down beside him. “Is something wrong sweetheart? You don’t look so good.” Her warm hand caressed his hair just like she used to do when he was younger and getting bullied by his sisters. It was a reassuring gesture and somehow managed to both calm him down and make him feel ten times guiltier. His eyes moved slightly to stare into his overhead light willing his tears back.

“Nagisa? What’s wrong?”

At the sound of his mother’s concerned voice, Nagisa gradually lost it, crying harder and harder until he sat up and hid his face into his mother’s shoulder, sobbing openly. Mrs. Hazuki stiffened in shock but then quickly relaxed and rubbed circles into her son’s heaving back. She murmured nonsense words into his ear, cooing softly when he’d let out a particularly powerful sob. They stayed that way for a while. The combination of the soothing back rub and soft fingers carding through his hair slowly worked their magic and calmed Nagisa down to soft sniffles against his mother’s shirt.

Feeling that her son might be able to speak, Mrs. Hazuki placed her hands on Nagisa’s shoulders and pulled back slowly. Looking into her son’s puffy red eyes, she smiled softly and pushed his slightly damp hair away from his face.

“I’m sorry,” Nagisa said finally. “I got snot all over your shirt.”

His mother gazed down almost as an afterthought and giggled to herself. “Do you know how many Hazuki family snot stains I’ve had to deal with in my life time? Out of all the genes you and your sisters got from your father, every one of you just had to get the snotty crier gene,” she cried. “It’s an outrage!”

That raised a small laugh out of Nagisa which made his mother smile in turn. “So do you want to tell me what that was about?”

Nagisa sobered instantly, but managed to hold back any tears this time. He felt as though he had cried enough in these last few weeks to last a lifetime. “I think I’ve made my friends hate me,” he murmured.

“Nonsense!” his mother said instantly. “There’s not a soul on this earth who could hate you Nagisa-chan. Especially not Haru-chan, Mako-chan, and Rei-chan. Those three are some of the most loyal friends I’ve ever known.”

“But I said some really terrible stuff. Especially to Mako-chan. I would hate me if I were him.”

His mother tapped her chin in concentration for a moment. “Well if you think what you said was really that bad, why don’t you give them some time to potentially cool down and then apologize. I guarantee they’ll forgive you. And if they don’t I’ll sic your sisters on them!”

“I might try that. Without the sisters part,” he added hastily. “They’d likely kill them and then I’d for sure have no friends.”

“Yeah you’re probably right.” Mrs. Hazuki patted her son’s leg before standing and stretching. “Well I’m gonna go and make sure your father got all of the groceries in. Do you want me to bring dinner in here for you?”

“No thank you. Actually, do you care if I go for a jog? I won’t go far, I just…need some time to clear my head I think.”

“That’s fine Nagisa-chan. Just don’t stay out to late.”

Nagisa nodded quickly before grabbing his nearby sneakers and slipping them on. As he looked towards the door he found his mother still standing there with one hand on the door frame.

“Mom?” he questioned.

She just shook her head before taking a step forward. “You know that you can always come to me Nagisa-chan right?”

Nagisa nodded quickly and was surprised when a genuine smile crept onto his face. “Of course. I love you.”

And with that he walked with his mother to the front door where she gave him a light kiss on the cheek. “I love you too honey. Be careful.”

 

His jog brought him down to the beach and he plopped down on the sand to watch the waves roll in. The sun was starting to set and it turned the ocean into a myriad of oranges, pinks, and blues. He relaxed a bit as the wind blew his hair back. He sat there for a long time, watching as the sun inched ever closer to being swallowed up by the powerful ocean. Eventually he figured that his mother would be expecting him back so he stood and brushed the sand off of his pants. He stopped when a voice quizzically called out his name.

“Nagisa?”

Nagisa cursed to himself and turned away from the glittering wave to gaze into eyes of the same color.

“Haru-chan?”

The dark haired teen inched closer, his expression as unreadable as ever. “Listen, I know you probably came down here to be alone, but can we talk for a bit?”

Nagisa almost refused, but he figured that if Haruka was choosing to talk to him about a difficult subject rather than just strip his clothes off and swim all of his problems away in his beloved ocean then it must be a big deal. As soon as he nodded his ascent, Haruka walked past Nagisa and sprawled out across the sand. The smaller teen followed his lead and sat down gingerly next to him, prepared for the tongue lashing he knew was to come.

“I really am sorry for slapping you earlier,” Haruka started with, much to the surprise of his companion. “I wasn’t mad at you or anything. I was just upset at the situation.”

“I’m sorry,” Nagisa replied. “I hadn’t wanted you guys to find out, especially like that.”

“Why not? We could’ve helped you.”

“I know it’s just,” Nagisa paused and looked at the brightly colored horizon, still burning with fading sunlight. “I didn’t want help at the time. I still don’t really want it. It makes me feel weak knowing that this thing is kind of controlling me and I want to conquer it on my own. But, I think I’m starting to realize that I can’t just will it away and that as much as I hate to admit it, I might actually need help.”

The two stayed silent for a while after Nagisa’s confession. Both gazed out toward the sea, trying to find words to express what they felt. Haruka fidgeted for a moment before breaking the silence. “You remember how I told you what happened with Rin right? He wouldn’t talk to me and felt that he needed to fix his swimming problem on his own without any help from us. I think that’s why what you said made me so upset. I’ve already lost one friend because he thought he could do everything on his own.” He paused and took a deep breath, seeming to steel himself for what he was about to say next. He clasped a reassuring hand on Nagisa’s shoulder before continuing. “You mean a lot to me Nagisa. You mean a lot to everyone. There wouldn’t be a swim team without you and none of us would’ve met Rei and had all of the fun that we had. I don’t want you to ever say you don’t deserve help again. I can tolerate a lot of things, but I will not stand for anyone peeing in the pool and my friends thinking that they don’t deserve something. If you don’t want help right away, that’s fine. Just promise me you’ll think about it.”

Nagisa stared with wide eyes at his childhood friend. He had no idea that Haru felt that way. His personality made him seem aloof and uninterested, but Nagisa could see that he truly felt that way. Part of him was still filled with the gnawing guilt at having made his friend upset, but a much larger part was brimming with happiness. “You’re the best Haru-chan!” he squealed as he leaped into his surprised friend’s lap and buried his face in his shoulder. He started laughing giddily when Haruka’s arms wrapped around his torso and squeezed tightly.

If he shed any tears, Nagisa could confirm that they were indeed happy ones.

* * *

 

 

Recovery didn’t come easily to Nagisa. He often alternated between blatantly asking his friends for help and acting too defensive when they did try to help.

Every day one of them would be with him in the changing room before practice, checking for new cuts. After Nagisa had lashed out at Rei and his screams of “I’m trying!” could be heard all the way out on the streets, the team had stopped saying anything when they did find new cuts. If it were Makoto, he would just plant a soft kiss on Nagisa’s temple and continue to get dressed. Haruka wouldn’t do anything and Rei would just push his glasses up the bridge of his nose and pat Nagisa on the shoulder. While they were being considerate of his feelings, the lack of praise made him feel awful and his desire to show his friends that he could pull through this mess spurred him on.

Makoto had recommended a therapist and with his mother’s encouragement he began to go three days a week. At first he was highly skeptical and refused to open up, but his therapist was patient and eventually he was able to get put on antidepressants to help ease the way.

The return of Rin after the tournament helped a lot as well. The entire group seemed happier with the inclusion of the red head and this in turn made Nagisa more at ease. Plus he tended to bring his roommate Nitori along and Nagisa had taken to out talk his fellow first year. While their constant talking back and forth annoyed his friends often, Nitori reminded him of how he used to blather on without really thinking about what he said. Their friendship was a good one as Nitori helped to bring Nagisa’s more talkative side out while Nagisa’s new calmer nature taught Nitori the importance of thinking before he spoke.

Some days were better than others. There were times when he was almost back to his old laughing and teasing everyone like he used to self. Others were harder and he’d find himself plagued with jitters that he knew a cut could fix. Rei was invaluable in these moments. He made sure to always have gum and stress balls in his bag to pass back to his friend in the middle of class if he started looking too flighty. At first Nagisa was doubtful that gum would do much of anything, but after Rei’s assurance that he had read all of the theories on this matter, Nagisa agreed to at least try it. While the stress ball helped more on the days when his hands didn’t want to do anything but claw into the soft skin of his inner arm, the gum did the trick for the less extreme days.

Nagisa began to help himself too. Instead of sitting around on the weekends and laying waste to his thighs with a blade, he made sure to call up one of his friends to hang out. He and Rei had spent enough days at the karaoke bar to almost beat Nitori’s score and he couldn’t count the amount of times he had to help Makoto keep Haruka clothed on their shopping trips.

While he still struggled a lot, he could honestly say that things were looking up and that one day he was sure he’d be free from his addiction.

* * *

 

“Are you sure about this Nagisa? I mean you don’t know these people.”

“It’ll be fine Mako-chan. My therapist recommended I start this and besides I’m a social butterfly. This is nothing.”

“I know. I’m just worried.”

Nagisa laughed. “You worry too much Mako-chan.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come in and sit for just the first meeting?”

“Calm down mother hen! This isn’t some cult where they’re going to sacrifice me to some deity. This is just a normal support group. I’ll be fine.”

Makoto sighed but leaned down to kiss his friend’s temple lightly anyway. It might’ve brought some weird looks but it made him feel better and was his version of a good luck charm. “I’ll be here when you’re done. Haru is expecting us at the pool at four.”

“Alrighty. I’ll see you then Mako-chan!” Nagisa gave the taller male a reassuring pat before heading up the steps to the rec center. He pulled the paper that his therapist had given him out of his pocket to make sure he knew the room number. He took a deep breath as he approached the door and slowly opened it.

Inside there were chairs organized into a circle with a myriad of different people occupying them. Some held obvious cutters like himself with cuts and scars crisscrossing their arms.  Others held people with eating disorders and drug problems. He found a vacant seat next to a shy looking girl with curly hair and sat down.

He looked around at everyone before turning to the girl beside him. “Hi, I’m Hazuki Nagisa,” he said as animatedly as possible. “But you can just call me Nagisa!”

“I’m Tsuyoshi,” she replied in a small voice.

“I hope we can get through this together Yoshi-chan. Let’s be good friends!”

“I hope so too.”

As the group leader stood in the middle of the circle and introduced himself, Nagisa couldn’t help but smile a bit. Sure maybe he wasn’t the smartest or the best friend in the world. Maybe he still messed up a lot and relied too much on his friends, but he definitely the worst person alive. And for the first time in a long time he actually believed it.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This was for a fill I started back at the beginning of August and I'm just now finishing it. As someone who is recovering from self harm, I hope that I was able to keep everything accurate, but I know things are different for different people. That said I hope you enjoyed it anyway! Until next time.


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